If you love her, set her free

If you love her, set her free... so that she may find the love she desires.

These words from R ring in my head.

Everyone has his/her own image of how his/her love should look like.
C made a conscious decision to leave.

C didn't accept your love, so yours is not the type of love she desires... at least not fully then. Therefore, she has to break up with you to have the chance to find the kind of love she desires.

Maybe she has found it, maybe she hasn't, but this is not part of your story anymore; it's hers. And you are no longer a part of her story.

True love is wishing the best for her. If she has found her love, be happy for her, even if it's not you. Only she can decide what is right for her and what will make her happy.

Closure Letter

Hi KY, I am sorry things ended this way. I appreciate the time and effort you have put into getting to know me and I have enjoyed spending time with you. However, I feel that our connection is not one that would develop into a long-term romantic relationship. 

Please understand that this is not a decision I have come to lightly, and I also hope you don't view this as something negative upon yourself.

Even though we can't be together in the end, I am glad you were part of my life. I am grateful for the joy you brought, the special connection we shared, and the lessons we learnt. The memories we created together will always stay in a special place in my heart.

I am sorry we couldn't make it work, that our paths diverged, that our chance encounter didn't have the ending we both hoped for. But, not all love stories are meant to last forever. Some are fleeting, some are momentary, yet they touch our lives in ways that last a lifetime. 

I am sorry for the tears, for the hurt, for the heartbreak. I wish I could take away the pain, wish I could turn back time, wish things could have been different but life has its own plan, its own course, its own rhythm.

Despite the goodbye, despite the distance, despite the silence, know that you have made an indelible mark on my life and I still care for you albeit in a different way. I will always remember you with fondness, for you brought colour into my world, even if for a short while, and for that I will always be grateful. Wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you find the right person.

娴情记语 VII

It has been 6 months since the breakup.
Well, yes, she didn't block me on Telegram but she also hasn't texted me back either.
Nonetheless, I have decided to wait until June 2024 and I intend to follow through.
C said that she is stubborn, but she didn't know that I can stubborn too~ =p
So... why am I still waiting?

人生没有重来，有时候一旦错过了就回不去了。
We only live once and there is no repeat. Sometimes when you miss each other, it's for life and there might be no going back.
While that might be true, how am I so sure that she is the one?

I think this is something I have discussed before.
I will never know with 100% certainty that she is the one, at least not now. However, she has exhibited many many signs that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her. Her devotion to the people she love (be it family or friends), the strong emotional connection we have, the intellectual discussions we have, her strong sense of responsibility, her willingness to have tough conversations & her willingness to work through things in a relationship.

The other thing is about knowing what you want, and C has certainly attained and gone beyond the basic benchmark of what I want in a partner. Shan't elaborate further since my previous post below has already explained in detail.

 In essence, I am choosing to wait so that I can 给自己一个交代。Regardless of what happens, come June next year, I can safely tell myself that I have really tried my best and there is no regret.

 

娴情记语 VI

An unexpected thought popped into my head.

As time passes, aren't your feelings for someone supposed to fade & dilute?

Strangely, as time goes by, the more I feel that she is "the one".

Of course, I think I mentioned before, that imo there isn't just a solo "the one". There are many people who can potentially be "the one". You can possibly get together (get married) with any of these "the ones" and still live a (largely) happy & fulfilling life! So what do I mean that C is "the one"?

After all the girls I have met, both before and after the breakup, C still remains at the top of "the ones"; there was no change to her position ever since I met & dated her. Sounds pretty vague? Then let me get into the details.

Other than emotional connection and intellectual engagement (and on both counts, C shared one of the deepest ones with me), cliche as it may sound, it's the lifestyle, beliefs and values. I don't dare to say that we are perfectly aligned since we only dated for 3 months and I don't think I know her super super well yet, but based on what I had observed for the 3 months, these are highly aligned!

To give a few examples, both of us pursue a minimalist lifestyle. We go for practicality instead of brand and try to bring as little as possible when we go out. Both of us place our family in first place, and work as a close second. Both of us are highly responsible, occasionally (actually should be frequently =p) skipping lunch for work, and always ensuring that any task given to us will be completed and of a high/reasonable quality. Both of us are also fiercely loyal friends and highly dependable. And finally and most importantly, both of us believe that "Soulmates are made, not born". In other words, we have communicated to each other that we are not expecting someone who is a perfect match to just appear in our lives, but rather, prepared to work hard to maintain the relationship and work hard to sustain the relationship and not take it as a given.

And so, the more girls I interact with (I don't mean dating events since I haven't attended any since March 2023), the more her attributes seem to stand out, and it just merely affirms my gut feel: that she might just be the right one. (This is a gut feel that I had after I met her on 11 March, even though I don't really know her as well as I do now. )

Haha, can't believe it's Dec already! Going to be 6 months since the breakup soon. Well, since she hasn't blocked me on our last channel, shall continue waiting.

娴情记语 V

The way I see it, for my effort in waiting for C (to come back) to bear fruit, there are 3 conditions / factors that need to be met:

1. It's a family tragedy that will blow over given time
2. She must want to start / desire dating again
3. She remembers & values the connection we shared in that 3 months

And these need to be fulfilled sequentially.

First, my assumption of a family tragedy, something which severely affected her to the extent that she is not ready to date now, needs to be correct. And this also needs to be something which will blow over and be resolved in time to come. If this base assumption is not even valid, then there is no point thinking further.

Next, once the thing blows over, she must have the inclination / willingness to start dating again and desire to get into a serious long term relationship. Again, without this, then she won't even be looking for potential partner nor reach out to me.

Finally, once she is ready to date, why choose me? That is where the third condition / factor comes in. Only if she sees the connection in that 3 months as deep and something she desires and values, then I will come into the picture.

In any case, this is the logical side of me speaking. The ball is in her court and for now, the only thing I can do is wait.

娴情记语 IV

Was reading about the divorce procedures in Singapore.

I think I can empathise much better with what C is going through if my guess is correct, especially if she is super close to her sister and involved in the whole process with her sister.

From what I understand, seems like there are 2 routes to apply for divorce:

1. Divorce by proving adultery

2. Unreasonable behavior

Regardless of which route is chosen, divorce is a lengthy and emotionally draining process.

In the best case scenario, as long as both parties will not contest the divorce and have come to a consensus on ancillary matters, the divorce in Singapore can take as little as four months.

Of course, this is the ideal state. 6 months is probably a more realistic timeline. That means we are looking at Nov/Dec.
And all these is assuming the divorce is uncontested.

From what I know of the situation, the wife and child is all that he has, so if he loses both, he has almost nothing left.
And I am guessing the incident which happened on 11 June might also be related to him trying to contest the divorce, so there is a good likelihood that we are looking at the normal track here.

In which case, this applies...
A divorce on the normal track typically takes approximately 3 to 4 months for the Interim Judgment of Divorce to be granted, depending on the nature of the dispute and complexity, and another 3 to 8 months after that for all ancillary matters (i.e. children issues, maintenance, and the division of matrimonial assets) to be resolved. The application for the Certificate of Final Judgment is usually made after the conclusion of the ancillary matters. In some cases, divorces on the normal track may even stretch past 18 months. 😲

Assuming everything goes well, we are looking at the Dec period. If not, we are looking at May / June next year!

To summarise, we have no way to know for sure when the divorce will be finalised, there is so much uncertainty!
If I were to put myself in her shoes, I can't even put a timeline to when this matter will conclude, and when I will feel fine enough to start dating again. Considering this, it's no wonder she opted for a clean break rather than ask for time off. It's the only way to be fair to me, and herself.

Now, doing all these research about the proceeding and procedure has allowed me to better understand what she was and is still going through. And we still haven't included the parts about going down to the lawyer's office with her sister to discuss the case (which can be traumatic), constantly looking out for and consoling her sister about this, and... how this might impact her belief in "man"kind. That is a lot to follow up on and follow through.

It's not just a lot of work but an emotional roller coaster. It's a huge load on her mental / emotional capacity.

If I were her, I also wouldn't be in the mood to date anyone. Dating is probably the last thing on my mind until this issue gets settled.

The 4 Stages of Relationship

Chanced upon something proposed by Matthew Hussey called the 4 Stages of Relationship which made sense to me.

It goes like this:

Stage 1: Admiration

Stage 2: Chemistry & Connection

Stage 3: Commitment

Stage 4: Compatibility

 

From what I understand, it progresses sequentially, i.e. from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and so on. Now, each stage is necessary before you can move on to the next.

In Stage 1, you admire something about someone from the opposite gender. It can be looks, intelligence, money etc. And it doesn't even need to be mutual; can be a single sided admiration.

In Stage 2, the two people develop chemistry, interact and start to build a connection. This is now 2-way, aka mutual interest. Typically in this stage, both of them build a strong connection which leads them to consider an official BGR.

In Stage 3, the two people say yes to each other and enter into an official BGR and commit to each other, i.e. don't date other people, and spend a lot more time together.

In Stage 4, they assess their mutual compatibility and whether a long term romantic relationship is feasible.

Interestingly, compatibility is the one which Matthew finds the hardest to define in exact terms, and I am not surprised! The example he gave is both people can value kindness, but kindness can mean different things to the two people. To put it in simple terms, compatibility will determine whether a relationship will last in the long run. Is there any one thing or two things that is unbearable and can cause the strain on the relationship to be so great such that it breaks apart?

I have a more specific way to scope compatibility. For me, the compatibility can be measured through values, beliefs and goals, i.e. whether the couple shared similar / the same values, beliefs and goals. The way I see it, if values, beliefs and goals are aligned, then I will say that the compatibility is there and the relationship is likely to last.

In C's breakup message, she did mention "I feel our connection is not one that would develop into a long-term romantic relationship". I wonder if she saw this Matthew Hussey video and is making reference to this 4 stages things; which begs the question: she hasn't even progressed to Commitment stage yet, how did she assess compatibility? Or did she observe some deal breaker which she is not willing to tell me?