娴情记语 II

Was thinking about the question CL (C's good friend) posed: How can you be 100% sure C is the one?

Well, to be honest, no one can be 100% sure until you get married to the person. In fact, I think we can never be 100% sure.
To quote C, "dating is a gamble and involves some risk taking".
That's why we all date and take time to get to know someone, isn't it?
What we are trying to do is to gain as much certainty as possible and reduce the risk as much as we can and ascertain that this person is the one we are comfortable to be with for the rest of our lives.

I digress. Back to CL's question.
CL asked this question twice. Both times I gave a strong affirmative response, and the reason I gave was feeling.

Interestingly, while I still think C is the one or one of the "ones", the reason why I think so actually changed over time!

This is where I thought CL's other question was useful. That question was "When did you start liking C really?"

I guess one good thing that came out of this 3 plus months since C paused (hopefully) talking to me is that I had a lot of time to look at the 3 months we shared objectively and really think clearly about whether and why I like C.

There were 3 phases.

After getting my 3 mutual matches on 11 March, I already placed C as my first choice, at the top of the rank order. Why? Feeling. She made me comfortable and I enjoyed talking to her. Haha, and we were merely talking about ice cream! Haha, you must be thinking this is superficial right? Probably, but that's how things started. At our first encounter, 我对她有好感。

Ok I digress.

The 1st phase where I thought she could be the one is after our first date. Unlike 11 March, we had a good 2h to chat. It was at this meetup where I discovered we had plenty in common (first of 3 children, the colour of our school attire was the same from pri to JC, same university, both are workaholic, both just started dating recently). The second date at Cowpresso further affirmed all these (where I discovered her dad shared the same horoscope as me and my dad shared the same horoscope as her!). In summary, at this phase, I thought she is the one because we shared so many similarities, at least in terms of the external factors mentioned earlier. Honestly, at this phase, I didn't get to see or witness the intangibles much.

In the 2nd phase, it was the period between our 4th and 6th date. At this point, we opened up to each others a lot more. I got to understand her a lot more in terms of her values and beliefs, e.g. going for functionality instead of going for brand name, placing & valuing her family as her first priority, work as a key pillar in her life etc. And it seems like our values and beliefs matched well. Our conversations were also getting quite deep, the connection was also getting deeper and stronger. In fact, I would even daresay that for a 3 month relationship / dating-ship or whatever you call it, it was unexpectedly and unusually deep. I also got this feeling that she trusted me (at least enough) and even cried in front of me, which I took as a positive affirmation. I was thinking, hey I really don't mind spending the rest of my life in this way with this person, aka C.

Haha, so both in both phase 1 & phase 2, in each case, I thought that was "when" I really started liking C. The deep reflection I did after the breakup made me realise that actually when I really like C might actually be on the 8th & last date before the breakup. That was when C did several things which tugged my heartstring and more or less confirmed for me that she is the one or one of the ones. So what happened?

1. Her friend tried to ask me question while I was eating. C stepped in and told her that I can't multi-task; when I am eating, I can't talk and vice versa. So if I start answering her, I will stop eating. At the drinks session, when her friend suggested ordering calamari, again C stepped in to tell her that I am allergic to seafood. (Read: she remembers my habits and is caring enough to speak up for me.)

2. After dinner & drinks, for the first time ever, she actually offered to treat me. I see it as a good sign and a re-balancing of sort; like she wants to contribute more in this relationship to make it more equal instead of me always being the one giving. And we even did a cute small "fighting" where I snatched her card while she was paying and passed her mine, and then she snatched it back. And then I told her "now that I have your hp number, you know I can PayLah you back right?" And we just smiled at each other after the "fighting".

Adding these to the 2 other actions observed from the 7th date: noticing my phone was on low batt and passing me her portable charger, and texting me to check whether I have reached home safely, all these made me certain that she is the one or one of the ones.

Haha, this is as much as I can observe so far. But I am silently confident that if we continue dating, I will see more and more positive stuff which will further affirm the decision.

In any case, it's back to waiting for her to reach (back) out to me.

娴情记语 I

Back to journaling as a coping mechanism~

As they say, good things come to those who wait. Haha, guess I am still too impatient; something which I can still work on.

Anyway, sent a Mid Autumn greeting message to C on Fri. As usual, she read it but no reply. (Eh... She can understand that this is my subtle cue to her that I am still open/ waiting for her right?) As always, thinking about whether to wait or to move on. Oh well, guess we will take it one day at a time.

On the same train of thought, I thought through and came to this conclusion: as long as I don't see either of these 2 signs below, then that means she is still uncertain (i.e. I still have chance) and has not made a clear decision:

1. The subtle way to do it would be to block me on our last communication channel, aka Telegram

2. The more direct one would be to text me straight that she is dating someone else already and advise me to move on/ stop contacting her

Some further analysis I did to comfort myself. Again, this is based on the assumption that she has decided to stop dating for a while due to her sister's situation.

Assuming what she told me about dating app and physical dating event is true, then when she is ready to date again, it's quite unlikely that she will immediately go for physical dating events. Assuming I am not a rebound relationship, then there is a good chance that she will reach out to me (I am placing a lot of faith in our 3 months of dating which I thought had been a good & memorable one). 

If she doesn't reach out to me, then it's likely that she will turn to dating app(s), which I predict will have a lot of guys liking her. Unless she is really super lucky to find another suitable match (values, goals & belief wise since she said that she values the intangibles more), in which case, then I have to concede and give up, otherwise, I have a good amount of faith that our 3 months of interaction should be sufficient to withstand the competition from these guys. I mean after all, I would like to think that we did have a strong and deep connection in these 3 months, and it's not easy to  replicate?

Other than the possibility that she stopped dating to be there for her sister, I thought of another possibility - that she feels guilty to date while her sister is experiencing this tough period in her life. This guess is based on her very close relationship with her sister and what she told me about 男人理性，女人感性。Hmm, maybe she feels bad/guilty to date which will contrast with her sister's situation, which might in turn cause her sister to feel sad inadvertently; which is something she doesn't want to happen. Hence, she is staying away from dating for now.

Well, again this is a guess since I am not in contact with her at the moment.

One final thought. There is this possibility that she might decide to stop dating for good. (Can't rule out this possibility right?) But I am thinking, since she has decided to start dating in 2022, and tried it, then I would think that at some point in time, this idea will pop up and appeal to her again, well... there must be some happy memories which came about due to dating someone (myself or otherwise) right? So I feel that she will be open to start dating again one day, the question is when?

Reason to hold on

After slightly more than 3 months, I have finally found a reason that I can accept for why C broke up with me.

Was watching Coach Cole's Youtube video and he mentioned that one scenario where two people can get back together in a relationship is when the reason behind the breakup is family tragedy, e.g. the passing of a close family member. This inspired me to think that maybe the reason for the breakup is this: that her sister is going through a divorce, and as the closest family member to her, C needed and wanted to be there for her sister in this very difficult phase of her life. To be physically and emotionally present for her to give her the support. And there is no telling how long this phase will be, until the day she feels that her sister is going to be ok or she feels ready to let go. Hence, instead of keeping me waiting or hanging, the responsible thing to do is to have a clean break up with me.

Now, of course, the logical side of me would say that I am just finding a reason to hold on, to wait and hope that this phase will pass and C will reach out and we can get back together.

However, the emotional side of me hopes that my guess is correct. After all, there are several points that seemed to support this conjecture.

Firstly,  the breakup was totally unexpected and served on a short notice, which seemed to suggest a life altering event, aka a major shock happened, on 11 June which triggered an urgent review of our relationship, or whatever you call it, and she needed to end everything fast. Can't even wait for another weekend. This is despite the fact that we have never even quarrelled once in the 3 months and she even brought me to meet her close friend of 25 years just a few days earlier.

Secondly, she seemed to be unusually heavily affected by her sister's divorce. I can never forget how she cried in front of me at a moment's notice when she mentioned her sister's divorce. The swell of emotion is so real and strong. And this was also the exact same reason which caused her to disappear for a few days the first time round, at least based on what she told me.

Thirdly, the breakup message gave a reason which didn't seem to square up to me, or in other words, a reason which I didn't believe to be true, namely our connection is not one that would develop into a long-term romantic relationship. For me, three incidents stood out. First, in Korea, she texted to say that she would keep an open mind as to how things can go between us. Second, she gave an unmistakable smile at our 7th date when I asked her if she likes me. Third, she just allowed me to send her home and brought me to meet her close friend, who even made an attempt to remember my name. If she had been thinking about a breakup for a long time, there were no signs of that, at least not apparent ones.

Of course, I still have no good explanation as to why she blocked and then unblocked me on Telegram, which is our last communication channel still open.

Well, the bottomline is that whether I am kidding me or not, this new found reason which I can accept does give me hope to hold on to and at least wait for her until Dec.

希望。遗忘

美梦的开始

我是家中的老二，从小就夹在大哥与小弟中间。我的存在总被忽视，我的牺牲与付出是理所当然的。那年，合唱团欲筹办大型歌舞剧，要求校友帮忙。时间上配合得来，我也就答应了。没想到，这竟是美梦的开始。经过几个月的筹备，演出终于圆满落幕。谢幕后，你走过来，将一个印上我姓名的小杯子递给我，并感谢我抽出时间参与演出。我不是在做梦。终于有人注意到我的存在。我的付出不被当成理所当然。只是一个印上我姓名的小杯子，但却盛着满满的暖意，也燃起了我心中的希望。

期望

年底，学校派合唱团出国比赛，校友也获邀一同参赛。结伴同游的这几天，心中有个小小的愿望— 期望有机会更了解你、期望在你心中我能从一个普通的校友成为一位能谈心的知己。

盼望

我是幸运的。没想到出国比赛后，学校竟安排合唱团到本地知名的购物商场报佳音，一个星期数次。这让我有更多的机会和你相处。你总是设身处地地为他人着想，以至常常累坏自己的身体。看了真让我心疼，只盼望你能给我机会好好照顾你。

渴望

本想默默地在你身边照顾你就好了，但原来人是贪心的。愚蠢的我还是找了机会向你告白，渴望你能打开心中的那扇门，让我进入，成为你生命的一部分，成为你的守护者。这样，美梦就成真了。

绝望

期望、盼望、渴望只是我一个人的奢望。

梦醒了。

如今只剩下美梦幻灭后的绝望。

也许，我不该做梦。

遗忘。

我。。能。。

Quotes 2009

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out who you are; seek to determine who you want to be.

~Neale Donald Walsch

Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.

~Colin Powell

Strength and courage aren't always measured in medals and victories. They are measured in the struggles they overcome. The strongest people aren't always the people who win, but the people who don't give up when they lose.

~Ashley Hodgeson

Successful people aren't born that way. They become successful by establishing the habit of doing things unsuccessful people don't like to do. The successful people don't always like these things themselves; they just get on and do them.

~William M Thackeray

The tragedy of life is not found in failure but complacency. Not in you doing too much, but doing too little. Not in you living above your means, but below your capacity. It's not failure, but aiming too low, that is life's greatest tragedy.

~Benjamin E Mayes

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope
In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort.
In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.
And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.

~Michael Jackson

Men often become what they believe themselves to be.
If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it, even if I didn't have it in the beginning.

~Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.

~Helen Keller

What I do you cannot do; but what you do I cannot do. The needs are great and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things with great love. And together we can do something wonderful.

~Mother Teresa

Nothing good for this world is ever attained without sacrifice. Nothing great in life is ever achieved without hard work. Nothing that we give to others, out of the goodness of our heart, is ever given without giving away a small piece of ourselves.

~Jay Goldman

Give out today like you will not see the next second; take in today like you will live for another 100 years to see the consequence of what you took in. What you take in determines your destiny and what you give out determines your legacy.

~Leussa Adrienne

You have a brush in one hand and paint in the other. You just need to realize that you are the Artist of your own destiny. The outcome of such a realization will transform the road ahead of you into canvas, waiting only for you to start painting.

~Conroy Sewepagaham

VRK Leaner

The VARK Questionnaire Results

Your scores were:

• Visual: 6
• Aural: 3
• Read/Write: 5
• Kinesthetic: 6

You have a multimodal (VRK) learning preference.

Cool~ I can learn in any way. (Or i can't learn well in any way...)

Danish Saying

Life is not simply holding a good hand; life is playing a poor hand well.