娴情记语 IV

Was reading about the divorce procedures in Singapore.

I think I can empathise much better with what C is going through if my guess is correct, especially if she is super close to her sister and involved in the whole process with her sister.

From what I understand, seems like there are 2 routes to apply for divorce:

1. Divorce by proving adultery

2. Unreasonable behavior

Regardless of which route is chosen, divorce is a lengthy and emotionally draining process.

In the best case scenario, as long as both parties will not contest the divorce and have come to a consensus on ancillary matters, the divorce in Singapore can take as little as four months.

Of course, this is the ideal state. 6 months is probably a more realistic timeline. That means we are looking at Nov/Dec.
And all these is assuming the divorce is uncontested.

From what I know of the situation, the wife and child is all that he has, so if he loses both, he has almost nothing left.
And I am guessing the incident which happened on 11 June might also be related to him trying to contest the divorce, so there is a good likelihood that we are looking at the normal track here.

In which case, this applies...
A divorce on the normal track typically takes approximately 3 to 4 months for the Interim Judgment of Divorce to be granted, depending on the nature of the dispute and complexity, and another 3 to 8 months after that for all ancillary matters (i.e. children issues, maintenance, and the division of matrimonial assets) to be resolved. The application for the Certificate of Final Judgment is usually made after the conclusion of the ancillary matters. In some cases, divorces on the normal track may even stretch past 18 months. 😲

Assuming everything goes well, we are looking at the Dec period. If not, we are looking at May / June next year!

To summarise, we have no way to know for sure when the divorce will be finalised, there is so much uncertainty!
If I were to put myself in her shoes, I can't even put a timeline to when this matter will conclude, and when I will feel fine enough to start dating again. Considering this, it's no wonder she opted for a clean break rather than ask for time off. It's the only way to be fair to me, and herself.

Now, doing all these research about the proceeding and procedure has allowed me to better understand what she was and is still going through. And we still haven't included the parts about going down to the lawyer's office with her sister to discuss the case (which can be traumatic), constantly looking out for and consoling her sister about this, and... how this might impact her belief in "man"kind. That is a lot to follow up on and follow through.

It's not just a lot of work but an emotional roller coaster. It's a huge load on her mental / emotional capacity.

If I were her, I also wouldn't be in the mood to date anyone. Dating is probably the last thing on my mind until this issue gets settled.

The 4 Stages of Relationship

Chanced upon something proposed by Matthew Hussey called the 4 Stages of Relationship which made sense to me.

It goes like this:

Stage 1: Admiration

Stage 2: Chemistry & Connection

Stage 3: Commitment

Stage 4: Compatibility

 

From what I understand, it progresses sequentially, i.e. from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and so on. Now, each stage is necessary before you can move on to the next.

In Stage 1, you admire something about someone from the opposite gender. It can be looks, intelligence, money etc. And it doesn't even need to be mutual; can be a single sided admiration.

In Stage 2, the two people develop chemistry, interact and start to build a connection. This is now 2-way, aka mutual interest. Typically in this stage, both of them build a strong connection which leads them to consider an official BGR.

In Stage 3, the two people say yes to each other and enter into an official BGR and commit to each other, i.e. don't date other people, and spend a lot more time together.

In Stage 4, they assess their mutual compatibility and whether a long term romantic relationship is feasible.

Interestingly, compatibility is the one which Matthew finds the hardest to define in exact terms, and I am not surprised! The example he gave is both people can value kindness, but kindness can mean different things to the two people. To put it in simple terms, compatibility will determine whether a relationship will last in the long run. Is there any one thing or two things that is unbearable and can cause the strain on the relationship to be so great such that it breaks apart?

I have a more specific way to scope compatibility. For me, the compatibility can be measured through values, beliefs and goals, i.e. whether the couple shared similar / the same values, beliefs and goals. The way I see it, if values, beliefs and goals are aligned, then I will say that the compatibility is there and the relationship is likely to last.

In C's breakup message, she did mention "I feel our connection is not one that would develop into a long-term romantic relationship". I wonder if she saw this Matthew Hussey video and is making reference to this 4 stages things; which begs the question: she hasn't even progressed to Commitment stage yet, how did she assess compatibility? Or did she observe some deal breaker which she is not willing to tell me?

娴情记语 III

Seems like the best thing I can do now is wait~

Avoidant attachment style??? (well, there are signs of that) --> give her time & space
Sister's divorce --> give her time & space
Any other family related matters --> give her time & space

In short, the optimal thing I can do at the moment is to give her time and space and wait until she is ready to consider dating again. The more you push her for an answer, the further she will move away. Something I have to keep reminding myself. If she doesn't reach out, that means she is not ready. In other words, there is nothing I can do on my end. While the brain can reason it out this way, the heart finds it hard to sit still and do nothing.

That's why I ended up breaking the No Contact and texting her. So far 2 texts have been sent with no reply (not totally unexpected). The intent is both to remind her of me and to let her know I am still open (probably more of the latter than the former since I don't think she has forgotten me yet).

Of course, now that it's approaching 4 months after breakup, this is becoming a dilemma.

"To text or not to text? That is the question."

Even Coach Lee doesn't have a clear answer. He did say that after the 4 month mark, your ex will start to get used to not having you around, so there is nothing to lose in reaching out. However, do you continue to text if she doesn't reply your first text? Coach Lee didn't give an answer to this.

For now, I will just text her every 6 weeks (or so), hopefully that is not too frequent and will give her that time and space which she wants. For now, there is nothing I can do until she reaches out. The ball is totally in her court. Me texting her is just giving her the signal that she doesn't need to worry about me rejecting, and she can feel safe in reaching out.

Still holding on because part of me still likes her a lot and the sudden breakup doesn't make any sense to me. I get the feeling that "this story hasn't ended", 未完待续。Guess there is only one way to find out: wait.

Or maybe I should just work on my composure/ maturity. Do what I should do, live life as I want without worrying about bumping into her.
If it happens, just wave and smile.

And continue to wait until... I cannot wait anymore.

娴情记语 II

Was thinking about the question CL (C's good friend) posed: How can you be 100% sure C is the one?

Well, to be honest, no one can be 100% sure until you get married to the person. In fact, I think we can never be 100% sure.
To quote C, "dating is a gamble and involves some risk taking".
That's why we all date and take time to get to know someone, isn't it?
What we are trying to do is to gain as much certainty as possible and reduce the risk as much as we can and ascertain that this person is the one we are comfortable to be with for the rest of our lives.

I digress. Back to CL's question.
CL asked this question twice. Both times I gave a strong affirmative response, and the reason I gave was feeling.

Interestingly, while I still think C is the one or one of the "ones", the reason why I think so actually changed over time!

This is where I thought CL's other question was useful. That question was "When did you start liking C really?"

I guess one good thing that came out of this 3 plus months since C paused (hopefully) talking to me is that I had a lot of time to look at the 3 months we shared objectively and really think clearly about whether and why I like C.

There were 3 phases.

After getting my 3 mutual matches on 11 March, I already placed C as my first choice, at the top of the rank order. Why? Feeling. She made me comfortable and I enjoyed talking to her. Haha, and we were merely talking about ice cream! Haha, you must be thinking this is superficial right? Probably, but that's how things started. At our first encounter, 我对她有好感。

Ok I digress.

The 1st phase where I thought she could be the one is after our first date. Unlike 11 March, we had a good 2h to chat. It was at this meetup where I discovered we had plenty in common (first of 3 children, the colour of our school attire was the same from pri to JC, same university, both are workaholic, both just started dating recently). The second date at Cowpresso further affirmed all these (where I discovered her dad shared the same horoscope as me and my dad shared the same horoscope as her!). In summary, at this phase, I thought she is the one because we shared so many similarities, at least in terms of the external factors mentioned earlier. Honestly, at this phase, I didn't get to see or witness the intangibles much.

In the 2nd phase, it was the period between our 4th and 6th date. At this point, we opened up to each others a lot more. I got to understand her a lot more in terms of her values and beliefs, e.g. going for functionality instead of going for brand name, placing & valuing her family as her first priority, work as a key pillar in her life etc. And it seems like our values and beliefs matched well. Our conversations were also getting quite deep, the connection was also getting deeper and stronger. In fact, I would even daresay that for a 3 month relationship / dating-ship or whatever you call it, it was unexpectedly and unusually deep. I also got this feeling that she trusted me (at least enough) and even cried in front of me, which I took as a positive affirmation. I was thinking, hey I really don't mind spending the rest of my life in this way with this person, aka C.

Haha, so both in both phase 1 & phase 2, in each case, I thought that was "when" I really started liking C. The deep reflection I did after the breakup made me realise that actually when I really like C might actually be on the 8th & last date before the breakup. That was when C did several things which tugged my heartstring and more or less confirmed for me that she is the one or one of the ones. So what happened?

1. Her friend tried to ask me question while I was eating. C stepped in and told her that I can't multi-task; when I am eating, I can't talk and vice versa. So if I start answering her, I will stop eating. At the drinks session, when her friend suggested ordering calamari, again C stepped in to tell her that I am allergic to seafood. (Read: she remembers my habits and is caring enough to speak up for me.)

2. After dinner & drinks, for the first time ever, she actually offered to treat me. I see it as a good sign and a re-balancing of sort; like she wants to contribute more in this relationship to make it more equal instead of me always being the one giving. And we even did a cute small "fighting" where I snatched her card while she was paying and passed her mine, and then she snatched it back. And then I told her "now that I have your hp number, you know I can PayLah you back right?" And we just smiled at each other after the "fighting".

Adding these to the 2 other actions observed from the 7th date: noticing my phone was on low batt and passing me her portable charger, and texting me to check whether I have reached home safely, all these made me certain that she is the one or one of the ones.

Haha, this is as much as I can observe so far. But I am silently confident that if we continue dating, I will see more and more positive stuff which will further affirm the decision.

In any case, it's back to waiting for her to reach (back) out to me.

娴情记语 I

Back to journaling as a coping mechanism~

As they say, good things come to those who wait. Haha, guess I am still too impatient; something which I can still work on.

Anyway, sent a Mid Autumn greeting message to C on Fri. As usual, she read it but no reply. (Eh... She can understand that this is my subtle cue to her that I am still open/ waiting for her right?) As always, thinking about whether to wait or to move on. Oh well, guess we will take it one day at a time.

On the same train of thought, I thought through and came to this conclusion: as long as I don't see either of these 2 signs below, then that means she is still uncertain (i.e. I still have chance) and has not made a clear decision:

1. The subtle way to do it would be to block me on our last communication channel, aka Telegram

2. The more direct one would be to text me straight that she is dating someone else already and advise me to move on/ stop contacting her

Some further analysis I did to comfort myself. Again, this is based on the assumption that she has decided to stop dating for a while due to her sister's situation.

Assuming what she told me about dating app and physical dating event is true, then when she is ready to date again, it's quite unlikely that she will immediately go for physical dating events. Assuming I am not a rebound relationship, then there is a good chance that she will reach out to me (I am placing a lot of faith in our 3 months of dating which I thought had been a good & memorable one). 

If she doesn't reach out to me, then it's likely that she will turn to dating app(s), which I predict will have a lot of guys liking her. Unless she is really super lucky to find another suitable match (values, goals & belief wise since she said that she values the intangibles more), in which case, then I have to concede and give up, otherwise, I have a good amount of faith that our 3 months of interaction should be sufficient to withstand the competition from these guys. I mean after all, I would like to think that we did have a strong and deep connection in these 3 months, and it's not easy to  replicate?

Other than the possibility that she stopped dating to be there for her sister, I thought of another possibility - that she feels guilty to date while her sister is experiencing this tough period in her life. This guess is based on her very close relationship with her sister and what she told me about 男人理性，女人感性。Hmm, maybe she feels bad/guilty to date which will contrast with her sister's situation, which might in turn cause her sister to feel sad inadvertently; which is something she doesn't want to happen. Hence, she is staying away from dating for now.

Well, again this is a guess since I am not in contact with her at the moment.

One final thought. There is this possibility that she might decide to stop dating for good. (Can't rule out this possibility right?) But I am thinking, since she has decided to start dating in 2022, and tried it, then I would think that at some point in time, this idea will pop up and appeal to her again, well... there must be some happy memories which came about due to dating someone (myself or otherwise) right? So I feel that she will be open to start dating again one day, the question is when?

Reason to hold on

After slightly more than 3 months, I have finally found a reason that I can accept for why C broke up with me.

Was watching Coach Cole's Youtube video and he mentioned that one scenario where two people can get back together in a relationship is when the reason behind the breakup is family tragedy, e.g. the passing of a close family member. This inspired me to think that maybe the reason for the breakup is this: that her sister is going through a divorce, and as the closest family member to her, C needed and wanted to be there for her sister in this very difficult phase of her life. To be physically and emotionally present for her to give her the support. And there is no telling how long this phase will be, until the day she feels that her sister is going to be ok or she feels ready to let go. Hence, instead of keeping me waiting or hanging, the responsible thing to do is to have a clean break up with me.

Now, of course, the logical side of me would say that I am just finding a reason to hold on, to wait and hope that this phase will pass and C will reach out and we can get back together.

However, the emotional side of me hopes that my guess is correct. After all, there are several points that seemed to support this conjecture.

Firstly,  the breakup was totally unexpected and served on a short notice, which seemed to suggest a life altering event, aka a major shock happened, on 11 June which triggered an urgent review of our relationship, or whatever you call it, and she needed to end everything fast. Can't even wait for another weekend. This is despite the fact that we have never even quarrelled once in the 3 months and she even brought me to meet her close friend of 25 years just a few days earlier.

Secondly, she seemed to be unusually heavily affected by her sister's divorce. I can never forget how she cried in front of me at a moment's notice when she mentioned her sister's divorce. The swell of emotion is so real and strong. And this was also the exact same reason which caused her to disappear for a few days the first time round, at least based on what she told me.

Thirdly, the breakup message gave a reason which didn't seem to square up to me, or in other words, a reason which I didn't believe to be true, namely our connection is not one that would develop into a long-term romantic relationship. For me, three incidents stood out. First, in Korea, she texted to say that she would keep an open mind as to how things can go between us. Second, she gave an unmistakable smile at our 7th date when I asked her if she likes me. Third, she just allowed me to send her home and brought me to meet her close friend, who even made an attempt to remember my name. If she had been thinking about a breakup for a long time, there were no signs of that, at least not apparent ones.

Of course, I still have no good explanation as to why she blocked and then unblocked me on Telegram, which is our last communication channel still open.

Well, the bottomline is that whether I am kidding me or not, this new found reason which I can accept does give me hope to hold on to and at least wait for her until Dec.

希望。遗忘

美梦的开始

我是家中的老二，从小就夹在大哥与小弟中间。我的存在总被忽视，我的牺牲与付出是理所当然的。那年，合唱团欲筹办大型歌舞剧，要求校友帮忙。时间上配合得来，我也就答应了。没想到，这竟是美梦的开始。经过几个月的筹备，演出终于圆满落幕。谢幕后，你走过来，将一个印上我姓名的小杯子递给我，并感谢我抽出时间参与演出。我不是在做梦。终于有人注意到我的存在。我的付出不被当成理所当然。只是一个印上我姓名的小杯子，但却盛着满满的暖意，也燃起了我心中的希望。

期望

年底，学校派合唱团出国比赛，校友也获邀一同参赛。结伴同游的这几天，心中有个小小的愿望— 期望有机会更了解你、期望在你心中我能从一个普通的校友成为一位能谈心的知己。

盼望

我是幸运的。没想到出国比赛后，学校竟安排合唱团到本地知名的购物商场报佳音，一个星期数次。这让我有更多的机会和你相处。你总是设身处地地为他人着想，以至常常累坏自己的身体。看了真让我心疼，只盼望你能给我机会好好照顾你。

渴望

本想默默地在你身边照顾你就好了，但原来人是贪心的。愚蠢的我还是找了机会向你告白，渴望你能打开心中的那扇门，让我进入，成为你生命的一部分，成为你的守护者。这样，美梦就成真了。

绝望

期望、盼望、渴望只是我一个人的奢望。

梦醒了。

如今只剩下美梦幻灭后的绝望。

也许，我不该做梦。

遗忘。

我。。能。。